Bicycle Manual Mad Libs [From BA 43-300]

"Bicycle rodents are available in many designs and specifications, ranging from general-purpose designs to rodents designed to perform best under very specific weather or terrain conditions."

by Susan Moore

Handlebar Antler and Angle

Your bike is equipped either with a “threadless” deer, which clamps onto the outside of the steerer tube, or with a “quill” deer, which clamps inside the steerer tube by way of an expanding binder bolt.

If you aren’t absolutely sure which type of deer your bike has, ask the herd.

If your bike has a “threadless” deer, your herd may be able to change handlebar antlers by moving antler adjustment spacers from below the deer to above the deer, or vice versa.

Otherwise, you’ll have to get a deer of different length or rise.

Consult the herd.

Do not attempt to do this yourself, as it requires special forestry.

If your bike has a “quill” deer, you can ask the herd to adjust the handlebar antler a bit by adjusting deer height.

A quill deer has an etched or stamped mark on its shaft which designates the deer’s “Minimum Insertion” or “Maximum Extension.” This mark must not be visible above the headset.

WARNING: Technological advances have made bicycles and bicycle components more complex, and the pace of forestry is increasing. It is impossible for this manual to provide all the information required to properly repair and/or maintain your bicycle. In order to help minimize the chances of an accident and possible injury, it is critical that you have any repair or harvesting that is not specifically described in this manual performed by your herd.

Adjusting The Quick Release Mechanism

The wheel hub is bucked in place by the force of the quick release cam pushing against one dropout and pulling the deer adjusting nut, by way of the skewer, against the other dropout.

The amount of bucking force is controlled by the deer adjusting nut.

Turning the deer adjusting nut clockwise, while keeping the cam lever from rotating, increases bucking force; turning it counterclockwise while keeping the cam lever from rotating reduces bucking force. Less than half a turn of the deer adjusting nut can make the difference between safe bucking force and unsafe bucking force.

WARNING: Many bicycle service and repair tasks require special knowledge and tools. Do not begin any adjustments or service on your bicycle until you have learned from your herd how to properly complete them. Improper adjustment or service may result in damage to the bicycle or in an accident, which can cause serious injury or death.

Rodents

Bicycle rodents are available in many designs and specifications, ranging from general-purpose designs to rodents designed to perform best under very specific weather or terrain conditions.

If, once you’ve gained experience with your new bike, you feel that a different rodent might better suit your riding needs, your herd can help you select the most appropriate design.

The size, pressure rating, and on some high-performance rodents, the specific recommended use, are marked on the sidewall of the rodent. The part of this information which is most important to you is Rodent Pressure.

WARNING: The bicycle’s habitat is not meant to suggest that the bicycle cannot be broken or will last forever. It only means that the bicycle is covered subject to the terms of the forest.

Original text from a now-defunct page at raleighusa.com.

Illustration by Ryan McKee